To All the Girls: Qin

Hi Qin.

It was a misadventure with you. A toxic rollercoaster nevertheless, as you blocked and unblock me at your whim. It wasn't at all romantic, but you made me your pet project when you saw me bleed. A person with a 10-year wound, seemed to fit yours. And we connected, temporary... or so I thought. But it is our scars that fit but not us. However, the broken parts would never make us whole again. And our scars that fit makes us not suitable but only victims of a similar crime. And we both turned out different. As I seek to heal alone with the world, you wish to heal by fixing people to feel better.

You were so determined to fix me, you were... so determined to set us free. You would give me all these grand gesture and plans, always trying to give me something to look forward to, saying that you'll be here until I'm okay, then you said you would leave after I am okay. I am not sure what am I, because by then why would I want you to leave? And then you'll say you're no good for me, and you'll block me. These weird punishment kept me on the brink of sanity as you toyed with my feelings while I wait to see how much more I could take. I broke... eventually, as I cried and asked you what is wrong with me, and why do you have to do this. It was unfortunate with us... and I wasn't... happier. I bet you weren't either.

After all the drama. I couldn't take it anymore. And I stayed away from you. You asked me out when term passed, as friends. You insisted on treating me to dinner since I helped you with term papers. And amongst all, that was probably the only thing you fulfilled.

It was awkward to see you, after everything. And you smiled like you haven't hurt me at all. And I smiled back like you never did. We didn't connect at all; the uncomfortable silence as I chug food into my mouth just so I don't have to speak. I walked you to the station, and I took a walk, trying to gather my thoughts. I thank you in text again out of courtesy, but deep inside I know we won't see each other again.

I was stronger then, to not let you get me this time. Perhaps you couldn't bend me anymore, and you eventually blocked me. I only found out when I wanted to send you birthday wishes since you did to me. That's when the truth hits me.

So tonight, I'll set you free. In the part of my heart, you might hold a small percentage, but it was enough to break me then... I was vulnerable, and I let you in. I didn't know I could break further until I was so sure that I couldn't be fixed.

I have learned to fix myself and not let others do it. I have learned to see the red flags, and that means I have to run away to stay alive. I don't regret you, but I do regret entrusting myself over to you. I was naïve, and I thought you'll keep me safe. But you took me apart just to fix the parts of me that you want to see, just so fixing me keeps you sane. But I am human too, like you, I would hurt, I would break.

You taught me to take control of myself, to fix myself, and never depend on somebody else. You taught me to never let anyone fix me again... And with this, I let you go.