I’m here, walking right out of Verde, with smiles and laughter. These past few days have been a huge barrage of misadventures, as we spent streaks of days staying in, hitting on game consoles, dissing each other, binging on Netflix, hot pot, or literally just staying with each other.
It has been incredibly nice to be back with my boys again, to be hanging out with my brother, with the people whom I can call family with pride. I’m so happy for everyone around me, like my brother who recently had gotten a car from his company, the humble investment project is doing well, the brothers are happy, as always and I am always happy when they are. J, after moving on is happier, as he works harder to be a better person. Those are the ones I hung out with, regularly. Like regularly.
It’s always like an adventure every day with them. Be it from a simple lunch hangout that bought so much laughter that we can’t imagine, to a day of running errands.
“Am I... myself?”, I asked. As I wondered if I am settling back in. To not travel, to not seek perhaps the great perhaps anymore, to forgo the grand adventures across the seven seas. I may have played a very different role with my friends, as I struggled to keep the artist within me alive quietly while taking little time off to whisk myself off again, be it to art spaces, museums, or sometimes embarking to voyages. And I return every time, with smiles of my faces as I return home again, to the embraces of my people.
“But am I happy?”, I asked myself again. As I wondered, this time of the distinct split personality that I have. From the rowdy class clown to the extroverted friendly guy who did social events in hostels and traveled the world. That is indeed how different I am, from the way I speak to the way I behave, and perhaps think. I am different when I’m back home (in Singapore), compared to when I’m out there... in the world.
But, Yes! I am happy! Both sides are me, the real me of course. And both of them make up me, the coin. Call it weird, call it anything you want. This is the side of me that people won’t get to see. Those are the parts that are private and exclusive, which... I’ll always show love for in another way, not via the virtual world, but of written postcards, personal gesture, having their back when they fall, and holding them back up till they are strong enough to run again. But sometimes, I really don't know if... I am...
And maybe, perhaps...
Just perhaps... one day both sides of the coin would meet. And I would fit.