Run Thoughts by the KM

"6pm", I checked my time and got up almost instantaneously. It is the first day of me following my bullet journal schedule and it is eerily scary how a simple to-do list and a schedule could be the answer to keep me in check.

I have 2 hours for this run since I'd sectioned out my schedule in hour-long blocks. I started darting around while trying to stay focus. I made sure that I had my pace on, if not faster. "5:09", the app said as I passed my first kilometer. Well, this is already a great start.

I finished the whole 2.4km within 12-13minutes (not too shabby with a 5:20 pace. A Chinese poetry came into my mind titled nostalgia, words that rhyme came into my mind. Among the likes of Tamagotchi, our MSN beeps, us being like kids chilling at carparks, thinking that the girl is going to be the one we'll spend our whole life with except not.

3km. "Can't you go any faster", I cussed...at myself as a guy overtook me. I kept trying to get my head back in my run as I was trying to push my thoughts away while trying to be faster. "5:30", okay, sounds decent still since I want to clock my first 5km before 30minutes. I twist my body more, in hope that the exaggerated posture would make my legs go faster.

4km. "It is not sex, just loneliness", came the title of my write up that I may or may not potentially work on. My mind wandered to the weird headspace of mind and my head started spewing writings with a touch of erotism. How we wish someone is here, not platonically, not romantically, but not sexually as well. Because, if it's sexual you would rather someone hot, or a pornstar right? But you want someone who sees you, who gets you... but connecting with the person is not enough you see. Humans, we all yearn physical touch, cuddles, and eventually, you guys would want to feel each other... but not in a sexually dirty way. But you just long to be in her body. Like how you pushed your body onto her and felt your precum oozing out at the sheer ecstasy just like liquid paper being pushed onto the paper, you can never hide them (pun intended), and how she would take you into her, where her lips below will milk you, not like lovers not wanting to let go of each other at the last train, hoping to have more time with each other. Cuddle buddy? Friends? I don't know. But you guys would never be lovers for the fear of losing each other. You guys would always be friends because that's the safest net, but you guys treat each other more than just friends, anyone can tell. And you'll be writing at how you'll be looking for this perfect oddball who felt the same.

I then have eye contact with this girl who's a regular in my 5th kilometer, and I could smell the strong warf of her "whatever-perfume" that she'd put on. Not sure if she have esteem issues or if she craves attention as I played Sherlock for 5seconds, as if I'd known her my whole life. She looked at me, and I could notice her starring at my awkward Asian mustache that I had grown out during this period of staying-in.
I bet my mustache is going to be on her mind for at least the next 2km. I passed her and moved on.

"6km, average pace 6:09", "I didn't want to fuck it up", I said as I hurried myself up the hill. I could notice my knees taking its toll on me and I could feel the ache punishing me tomorrow as I ignored their warnings and pushed on. I thought about you since you texted my mum recently. How are you? Are you happy? My mind was filled with all the questions, but you won't answer them for me. Are you doing this to punish me? I was so afraid of everything, and I was even afraid of saying yes, I was afraid of you, I want to run away. I told myself I'll be brave this time, I shall choose myself and be happy. And I miss you sometimes... still...


7km. I used to look for people too. Reddits have tons of subreddits that is seemingly made for it. We are always looking and I bet more people have been ghosted and found solace in their own reflection in the darkend black screen than a friend. Sure there is success story, perhaps even 30% or even less. But I'm sure as hell it is worse than the rate of a coin flip, so why are we trying? Are we that lonely? Do we really want somebody that bad? I always asked myself as I mindlessly scroll through all the shoutouts. I'm too lazy to try; and I figured things doesn't come like that. Fate doesn't work like that. Fate brings people together to make both of you better, but not for the sheer moments of tackling this momentary loneliness that you think you couldn't take.

8km, now I'm getting there as I'm down to my final 2km. My mind's clear and my goal is to get to 10 as fast as possible. I did a mental calculation on the possibility of clocking the best timing while I pushed myself forward. I breathe harder now, I could feel myself pushing myself forward with each stride towards success, but not the whole lackluster of having to clock the mileage. I'm in this game to win, not to play.

9km. I sprinted, I sprinted because it felt effortless in the end, it felt as if this is the finisher. I sprinted because I want to let myself know that I could do it, I could even pull off afew more kilometers if I want to. I sprint because I want to break free, I want to do better, and I want to become better. And hell, I sprinted.

"1 hour, 9secs, 10km, average pace 6 minutes", I smiled as I looked at my phone strapped on my right shower as I started to pull out my sweat-drenched phone holder.

Little did I thought I'll be clocking my best run in this moment, as I heaved a smiled between my heavy breathing. For the first time, I had my legs in the 6:00 range for 10km. I'll be challenging myself to do a half marathon come May, and here's to being better!

P.S. It's actually fun to do and write about run logs, although it takes a lot of brain juice to get organized.