You'll Always Be Far Off... And That's Ok.

It's funny how I was with my family today, cleaning and clearing up the kitchen when a suicidal thought hits me.

I wasn't exactly sad or depressed,

I was just, lost? burn out? After following my bullet journal as close as I can, I found myself withering through the weekend, after I relapsed after I tried inducing coffee to make myself work after I watch porn to feel something after I play games to kill time, but ironically I'm dealing myself a card of slow death. I realized how far am I actually away from where I want to e.

It felt ask if I'm chasing my tail again, and I wonder when would I actually be happy. But then again we're never the same. We might want a french toast now, only to find ourselves craving for a burger later at night.
It is only the realization and the acceptance of that which could make us... perhaps alittle happier.

In meditations, Aurelius mentioned: “Let us keep to the way which Nature has mapped out for us, and let us not swerve therefrom. If we follow Nature, all is easy and unobstructed; but if we combat Nature, our life differs not a whit from that of men who row against the current.”, it is nature in human as well... to "combat nature". It might sound like a hard concept to grasp, but thinking deeper makes me try to understand, accept my shortcomings, my relapse and try to live with it.

Knowing that we'll fall, knowing that with every fall comes an uprising. We're always growing and try to be, even at times we might give in, things might seem bleak. I realized that these few days might felt like a loss, but ultimately I could still look at it as a win. I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend even though I wasn't exactly up to anything quantifiably productive. I had dinner with my family, all 4 of us for once in a long time, and seeing my mother so happy, thinking that its the best mother's day present forever makes it all worth it. I want to see my family happy, I really want to.

I wrestle with the inner artist in me, the one who dreams, who constantly tries to swim against his current of thoughts where every fall felt like me cruising down a 7 storey waterfall. Stoicism talks about "Harmonizing your own will with nature", that being said I felt like it is accepting who you are if you can give in to temptation, don't hate yourself, know that you can try again. Follow your inner voice, even though some days it felt like you couldn't hear him/her anymore. But your inner voice would never be lost, but only be there of a soft whisper that only needs you to dig deeper within.

We can always train ourselves, to implement new habits, to eventually be better. And make that day to be better today. Know that your mind is always in your control, will yourself to wear those runners, get your ass off that chair, start dabbing your brushes into paint, start doodling, buy that air ticket, open that book; the other side of the life lies our best version of ourselves, somewhere out there, reaching out for us, through our inner voice.

And you'll realize, you're actually not that far off... after all (: