I sat there, writing as the heavy rainfall is strumming on my heartstring. I hopped right into the showers when I got back, drenched. I'm not sure if it's an asian thing, but I was pushed into the showers before I could settle down.
I gathered my thoughts together, this time trying to disassociate and associate the lessons from the universe. My favourite YouTube subscription dished me yet another song; Lav's Wavy, as if reading my mood now.
Here's the link:
(It became my favourite nocturnal/rainy jam.)
Moving on, I always thought I should trust the process, as fucking up is part of growing, failure is part of success. I halt my personal growth with the creation of a crazy discord server which branched my growth and perspective in more random different directions. I thread along, allowing me to meet new people, to study the community and society in my new found discord server. It works like a social ant-tank, as I could see how different group of people gravitate towards each other. There is perhaps yet another story.
June... It must have meant something. I look back at May, with the newly checked 160k goal being my only source of comfort during my relapse.
May was.. nothing but hectic. With my first 2 weeks doing extremely well, but only to find relapse crept up on me followed by gaming addiction. I was nothing but out of sort. It was a bad time, I was barely myself and my mind wasn't straight. I felt like I'm sleepwalking through the next 2 weeks.
My ant-tank had a red alert, when I saw politics happened, human drama that wasn't exaggerated. It's how scary how fragile human connection could get. To have someone you connect with for weeks turn on you, to see the worse of humanity, all in the spasm of a small humble game.
I made several comrades which I held close to my heart. But the numbers are pretty... 3 out of 200. That's the odds for me now. I won't go much into details, but they are the one who wants the best for me, stood up for me, and the ones who made my world perhaps alittle... brighter.
I manage to cross the finish line on the bright side, marking my 2nd half marathon, which I surprisingly did all in one breath. I didn't stop, nor did I take any water breaks. I was proud that I eventually manage to do it, and I'm nevertheless thankful.
I might have gotten some extra assistance for my delicate Japanese. I thanked the Universe for this. I always believe that there's always a tad of silver lining. It is always those unexpected kindness that always throws me off my guard. And I may have felt comforted.
I may have receive tons of books too! It's nice looking at at the books now as if the pages are embracing me with their wisdom and powers. The smell of the pages, the texture of the paper, the crease of the spine and the smooth cover. I ran my hands across the books as if we're connected by the fingertips where the pages turn. "Thank you, Universe", I whispered again, as I ran my thoughts across my head.
"I'm sorry, I have nothing inside to give you... for now...", I said while feeling sorry, yet I feel nothing at all. I grasp my inside, hoping to find alittle something within the void as I wave my hands wildly inside. Anything... just gave me anything. Nothing.
I close my chapter for May, as I breath and thank the Universe that I'm much better right now, even though I still feel that something inside me is switched off.
"So, what's for June?", I thought to myself. I looked at the nearly blank canvas, knowing that this month would marked the middle of the year, your birthday and mine, the month of happiness, but it was turned into a scale of grey. I thought about my projects, my arts and I made alittle wish to the Junebug.
I hope it could light up and show me the way out of here, out of everything, and leading me to eventually being... better.