To All the Girls: Tipy

It is 2.40am in the morning and I figure I'll write abit because I couldn't sleep.

Feelings... it is weird to have them right? This might come in a form of a long post, or perhaps, in parts. But this... is the letters to all the girls that I'd loved and disappeared. It wasn't easy to revisit each of them to set them free, but since I decided to start, I'll like to see this through... so here goes;

Hello Tipy,
You might not remember me, but I'll always remember you. You're the one who's been here with me everyday when I was broken. You're the one who cried at my stories, the tears that you cried for me when I no longer could cry for myself. Was it sympathy? The part of you that sees... me, me? Or was I just a reflection of your stories, just like the broken piece of the mirror. And it was yourself that you feel sorry for, but not me.

We didn't get close until your day at the hospital. You told me more about yourself, about your condition. About how your car accident almost made you blind. The operation that made you better but not whole again, how you still have a scare across this part of your head that even though is hidden by your hair, but still won't ever heal again. You are... broken. And so am I. And I thought we fit. I really thought so. This time it's not just the scars like before, but our story our narrative, our pain. We're looking for the same pieces to fix ourselves. Our similarities extend to our dark and morbid humor too. How you're trying to run away like I am. 

We... did a number of things together, online. How, we have made this strange relationship, albeit platonic, but I eventually grew to be emotionally reliant on you. We had long phone calls, 8 hours, 12 hours, where we can talk about just anything, or maybe just lie there in comfortable silence. We would tell each other stories, watch movies and discuss about many random things. Before I knew it, I was deeply involved in your everyday life as you with mine. We would hang out alot over the phone.

One day you asked me... If we would ever meet. I said I'll ran away, because I'm shy and awkward. But in reality, I was scared. I was too afraid, after everything. I wasn't prepared to lose another person again. But I guess, the universe would have panned this otherwise. We thought of escaping to somewhere together, the strange story. Where you were the one pulling the strings. You told me I deserve better, through your voice, in your husky careless whispers that made my boys tease me.

You told me, I'll be okay. You tried to whisk me away with you, all the plans, and stories that we would be having, just you and I. It didn't bite at first, but you kept pulling me to you, and I eventually fell for your embrace. So...I took your word for it. I took your hand and decided to leap when you asked me to jump. To have faith, in you, and in us. But you weren't there to catch me when I did. You disappeared. You felt like the clouds that have just disappeared at my touch, and the beauty in your personality felt unreal. I fell through the clouds, only to realize that there's no rainbow at the other end.

The ghost of you left no trace, as you left me with nothing but our chat history and your recorded voice down the now forsaken memory lane that serves only me. I was the only keeper of our memories since you had taken off and disappeared. I should have seen this coming, but I didn't. Maybe, it's all me. And now, I have nothing to hold me together anymore. No place for me to escape to, nothing that tells me to be okay. I was left with nothing but the echoes of my loneliness that makes me hated myself for not being enough.

I am writing this years after, and you're still on my mind some times. All these while, thinking if you're still fine. If your cousin is still giving you troubles like always. And how you have to go out and bring her back tonight. I worried so much, still, but then again, I know I won't get closure. I never will.

So you're one of the cages that I'll set free. Amongst the others that I'd kept deep inside me. You taught me that maybe sometimes we don't need closures, that sometimes perhaps nothing has to exist to make it real. That perhaps, I should never jump unless I could see clearly. Or I never should unless I could feel your hand holding mine.

So I decided not to stow our memories in my heart anymore... And I decided to set you free. And this time it'll be for me.

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