It's been so long, so so long, and that my mind has almost erased your name due to the trauma. We met at the strangest of all circumstances; on Reddit as you're giving away your used postcards. We connected briefly but I wasn't in a great mental headspace. We reconnected after a long time, no doubt after coming a long way. Things have come full circle after you came into my life during one of my relapses. We both share the same intense love for Bojack Horseman, and as funny as it sounds, never did I know that we would inevitably walk the character arcs that is somewhat similar to that of Diane and Bojack, except that we won't be in touch anymore. I'm still watching snippets of Bojack still, and remembering you via Bojack only pains me more.
We started texting a lot at first, and you ere actually more of a Carolynn instead. You seem to have gotten everything together, have experiences in just almost everything and I'd always marvelled at your intelligence and how your brain works. We do almost everything together online, from having schedules, to reading and workouts, Knowing you inspire me to want to better myself; I took up bullet journaling and we both decided to help each other to constantly improve. You claimed to be the ice queen, the manipulator as you have people at your whim, I was afraid of you at first, but then again you graced me with kindness. I was afraid to lose you. I'd never connected with someone on these levels before, as you may seem to be living in my phone, and I was so addicted to texting you. We had so much to talk about, to discuss to banter, we texted from day to night, almost every day. The level of intellectual chemistry we had was crazy. You'd have to admit that.
Perhaps our stars were aligned at first, we texted so intensively, I distanced myself from everything else and it's just us against the world. Over time... things happened of course; relapses and things caught up to me. Me trying to be a better friend towards a toxic person that I should have distanced got me worse into relapse. Manipulated, lied to, hurt, and I started to stop looking forward, but meanwhile, you're still going forward, running towards the goal. I couldn't keep up anymore. Eventually, I started keeping away from everything else, to not hold anyone back. Perhaps this is a strange letter to write, because it didn't felt romantic like love. But it was some degree of love, and feelings, of our connection and friendship; and you eventually disappeared.
After you, there's a brief period that I stopped writing. I stopped working on my craft, I find myself unable to write like how I used to, I found myself lost again after you left. It was bad, dark without you, but I got used to it after... I numbed myself, plunged myself further down, stopped doing as much art as I should, I stopped living. I was just breathing, without purpose, goals, nothing. We both lived on, and it is hurtful the things you'd say to me whenever we talk after. Perhaps it was ego, pride, which I felt that was your defence mechanism against people. You hate to lose, you want to be better, you feel better after tossing people you deemed defective away. You said that I changed, its not the same anymore, but even as I tried to share things with you, only to be hurt by your words, again and again. It was painful, and I eventually was up on that conveyor belt on the way out of your life. I think at the very end, I still... Bojacked things up. And it was painful... it really is.
Awhile later, I tried to reconnect, only to get berated and this time it gets worst when you demand everything you'd given me back. It was a hard one, packing all the memories, the kindness that you'd received back into a huge bag before returning it. You had a friend help collect the stuff and honestly, I felt nothing but ashamed of myself, of how undeserving I must have been. Maybe at the end of the day, it is what it is, you putting it out there like it was my honour to receive your kindness, only so that you'll take everything away as punishment when you deemed it unworthy. And you blocked me... It made me hate myself, and so I spiralled again, this time worse as I never know when was rock bottom. A new bottom always seems to exist. Maybe at the end of the day, you still want a win... and I'd say, you'd won. I hope that made you happier, and it'll be worth it.
I was down for a long time, drowning in self hate. It was then when I met kindness... the selfless kind. The kind that didn't ask for anything they give back, the one who cast out selflessly, wildly and freely. The one that eventually taught me to love myself more. The sort that didn't ask for anything back, no expectations, just kindness. And from that, I manage to get better. It would be another story, where I found people who stay, people who would pull me up, people who want me to be at the peak with them, overlooking the magnificent atlas. And those people are the ones that I should keep and love.
We all have our demons, and I know we're struggling to better ourselves, and as much as it is, I'll have to let you go now. I'll never forget the bojack, bullet journalling, productivity arcs with you and it's definitely hard for me to ever be like that again. So as much as I hate to, I'll have to let you go. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons in my life, though what we have was intense albeit everything. Perhaps we met each other at the wrong time twice, or maybe... we're meant to walk our own arcs. Perhaps we thought we were meant to save each other... but then we have to save ourselves, ourself.
Perhaps I'll see you again, we never know. But then sometimes life's a bitch and perhaps we just keep living. Thank you for sharing Bojack with me, to be better, to move forward. And maybe I'll eventually see you again, or maybe not. But that's okay.
I'd love to end my writing with a quote that we both share. Here's to us not wanting but nevertheless ending like Bojack & Diane:
"I think there are people that help you become the person that you end up being, and you can be grateful for them, even if they were never meant to be in your life forever."
*cues Mr. Blue*