How long since I'd written your name?
My heart wrenched at the thought. The whole childhood emotions coiled around me as my anxiety takes over. There is just so much with you that no words could ever describe what we had. We were magic, we were young and we were free. You are the pretty one, and I fell hard for you. As your legendary ponytail would be the cookie-cutter of a criteria for my beauty standards in the future. And also my quirky obsession with girls with books. And how funny and adorable it is when you're just carrying a bunch of textbooks which took my heart away that very day.
For us... I have alot of stories to tell. The ones that I'll sometimes dug out to share from the haunted memory lane. The ones about how you snip your hair short and I acted I don't know you, about how we were competitive, about how you have that "look" of an ice queen. You were everything, and I'm nothing, and that only makes my insecurity feel worse. You're the prom queen and I'm the class clown of mischief. Little did people thought we would end up together, and I constantly felt like we're on borrowed time... somewhat.
You're the secret keeper of my many firsts, the first hand which made my heart skipped a beat, the first face that I would love to cup the first thing when I wake up in the morning, stroking your hair while you're asleep. Looking at you being all motherly and fierce from afar while thinking how lucky I am to have met such a tremendously strong woman.
I secretly love how aggressive you are, and how you also potentially would wear the pants in the house, if we ever get married. You were the one who encouraged me to seek help, and you embraced me for who I was. But I wasn't courageous enough to show you who I am...
The darkness inside
The voices inside me
The crying before bed
Perhaps you didn't get to see, how I struggled with polarity. How it was difficult to even breathe, how scared and terrified I was of everything. And how I am doing all I can to run away from the monster that is hunting me in my head. I wasn't a fan of showing any of them. Vulnerability is a weakness. But perhaps you DID actually saw my insides, when I cried, when I'm frustrated, when I'm scared. You're always there to catch me, but yet I didn't dare to take the leap. Maybe I'm too immature, and yes I am.
Then I thought I saw you for who you are, in Japan. You were beautiful, and then you're a friend. You are that friend who is more than a friend. You're that person who I'd rather be always chasing than have. You're that mythical creature that everyone dreams of yet you belong to the Universe because we don't deserve you. You are... what you are. There are stories of your kindess that I'll forever keep in my heart, the letters that we wrote each other monthly for decade. All these would eventually make their make and see the world again if I ever get big enough to pull off my art installation. You're a true piece of art. But then perhaps I was wrong, perhaps it was the best closure we could offer ourselves, a final chapter where we could part smiling, a chapter where we could close off the fairytale with a fairytale... We bid us goodbye...
We have to grow. Period.
I didn't know what I want, and I have been revolving my life around you. You were my will to live, the reason to breathe, and that is not enough. Not enough because it is too much for you to bear, and I was so selfish to let you be the person who is responsible for me, when it should be me. You're the first one who glows at my writing, the semi romantic piece before my "ah beng" persona take over.
I vividly remember that I could never stop swearing, but I did. I did now! And I stopped shaking my legs too! So... who knows huh? Life is indeed unpredictable as they say. And even though our story ends, I hope I could have courage to see you again, and before I die, one of my dying wish is to see Pots too... or him to me... You 2 were (one of) the greatest thing that happened in my life, and I would never forget everything that we share.
You'd always been here. Over the 10 years, throughout my tertiary, throughout my poly years, my army times, how the Sergeant go about saying how lucky I am when you mail me your photos with the candy. I felt like the luckiest man alive that night as I teared when I read your letter. I still kept the letter till this day. I love how you're always here when I book out, how you are with me, how you held me and how you teared whenever I have to go. That was love, and I am forever thankful for you by my side. Thank you, Hamsterr Cupcakess (:
^your nick back the aha.
One thing that I wish I could have is to love you more. To chase you more relentlessly, to tell you more sweet nothings, to buy you more flowers, to kiss you more to hold you more, and to give you more. Perhaps all the hurt and pain made me afraid of loving because I'm afraid of losing. And all these insecurities actually caused me to hurt myself when I thought I'm actually guarding myself. Even knowing that it'll all end, I'll do more, just so... I could have more memories of us. Just so, I could had love you more... could had. (here goes a bitter tear)
You'll always felt like a dream, just because of the whole surreality of it all, and also my mind being unable to face you to face us, to admit defeat, to know that I had allowed you to slip through my fingers. You taught me how strong love can be, how time could make or break love, and how love isn't just what it seems. You show me so many firsts, and also you'd always been here. I'd learnt so much from you, and now I'll eventually have to be on my own way from here.
So... with this, I'll let us go.
Goodbye, the love of my firsts.