I'm feeling anxious partially from work and also near the ending of the first season of YOU. I had downloaded the season prior. I am all but anxious this trip, as the investment project and work got me thinking of working around other alternatives of income, and also perhaps moving forward to pursue art, or die trying to pursue arts full time. There are several projects in the picture, but I still haven't entirely figure myself out yet.
It's my first trip with my brother, just us. And I didn't know what to expect and what to do? I really wanted to concoct a good enough itinerary for him, to let him experience the best of South Korea. Insomnia kicked in together with anxiety and I found myself feeling around for a distraction. Yes, I have been typing the word anxious and anxiety a lot more than often and I am... really anxious. I wanted everything to do well, to go well, to go smoothly so my friends, my family and I can always be happy. Like what Meng said, our merry band of thieves. I just finished the french film I Lost My Body, and its utterly breathtaking, as the museum and film placed me in another universe of dread, bittersweet beauty leaving me at the edge of my seat. I am awfully uncomfortable due to my anxiety which is coming at me whilst the restlessness keeps me awake on the plane.
Then I saw the sunset, albeit an awkward one across the aisle, towards the right window of the plane. I looked around immediately, glancing across the passengers as if trying to find a distant stranger who's awake to share this memory with, but every one of them are sound asleep. The red-eye flight has also taken the toll of my little brother, as most of us only get a glimpse of sleep after getting on the plane at 2 in the morning. I watched the sunrise from my side, like snap a photo to use as a thumbnail and return to gazing dreamily across the aisle, towards the window.
I watched the sun, as my goosebumps rise, when I saw how the orange watch hues painted across the windows. It felt like so many things for once. Maybe it's my anxiety, or maybe I was pretty overwhelmed. It is a simple thing, but yet it gave me so many feelings. It felt like an eye at first, and we are flying into the eye as it opens, then it felt like a palm being opened as the orange hues tears open the skies. And after sitting on and on for a bit, it felt much more like a blink, or a wink (not funny I know), it felt like the elements of fire and ice just dancing across the skies in harmony. The tears don't feel like tears, but like how the ice makes way for the flames as it melts, gracefully retreating, knowing that it is time for the fire show. The flame, as patient as it is, synergizing the steps of the ice as if taking her own time, one foot forward, one foot back, like an element-ary waltz.
It is beautiful, how life's simplest things could bring you so much more feelings and joy and even though I was not even halfway to 100 sunrises/sunsets, this one reminded me of how interesting and different it can be. How looking at the sunsets and sunrises have their own creative beauty if you looked at it with an imaginary mind. It is like making out what that cloud is. I felt the warmth embraced me as the orange hues lighten up the dark blue into a beautiful pastel teal. The sun retreated and head back into the clouds, like how the flame would take rest after burning the crisps of the firewoods, and it's just a stable ember, here to give warmth.
I smiled and closed my eyes, this time feeling much better, and I remind myself to be hopeful each day.