So I did a Friendship Audit

    Sometimes it's not about cutting people off, but finding the right ones to stay with.

    I decided to do the friendship audit after V introduced it to me. I tried reading out articles, figuring out the best way to do it. It was tough at first, to list out everyone I know, with some names occasionally slipping. Anxiety creeps onto me as I want to run away again, to hide from everything, to just retain that facade that I'd always been presenting.

    I list out friends across the timelines, from the ones whose name appeared right off the bat, leaving some spaces for the ones who didn't. I then plot out 3 columns; Closeness Rank, Social Circle, Will He or She Help You.
    It was really hard to find a metric as you just feel your way around...

    "Oh he'd helped me before"
    "Oh she's been there for me when I'm done"
    "Oh he's not that nice, because..."
    "I heard..."
    Countless past experiences flood my mind, from the good to the bad, to the moment of truth when I knew they weren't it. I still kept them because I don't want to lose people, I hope for them to change, I thought I can wish for things to get better, but it didn't But I also have a number of blessings to count on.

    I ended up by first filling out the segment that would help me. And I realize that there are afew answers for me to ponder through... Yes, No, Maybe Yes and Maybe No. I figured it's more straight forward to determine what to do with No, and as for the rest, I decided to put in at least a decent effort to be a friend.

    Maybe: I'll have to put in more effort to find out "yes/no"
    Yes: Retain and also maintain the friendship
    No: Time to cut

    I moved on then to determine the rank; possibly the first 2 ranks are actually REALLY easy. But the lines get really blurred out for the 3-5. And it's funny to say that we sometimes gave 3-5 alot more than they deserve, especially when we are just feeling each other out, if we gel, if they're nice and so forth.


    I did this friendship audit because I realize that I'd been unknowingly pushing the wrong person away, that I'd been excluding people out of my life who are worth it. As a traveller, I met tons of friends overseas, but keeping in touch is never convenient. There are tons of apps, not everyone uses telegram, not everyone knows what I'm going through to perhaps understand.

    Part of it is also my fear of exposing my vulnerability to them. After being told off by one of my close friend for writing something depressing, I stopped using social media (IG), as an outlet to air my sorrows, instead, I now write; but the problem is that I don't usually post or share them with people. This is probably something that I should learn to do; to open up.

    To the ones who made it here and who's been reading this, if you're one of the close ones whom I'd added to IG, it means that you made the mark to be the person that I'll like to keep in touch with. To the ones who I'll at least like to get to know better, the ones who have impacted my life positively, and I hope I'd change your world for the better too, be it big or small.

    It sucks to be reading an apology here, but you'll probably be getting one sometime, somewhere when the time comes for us to reconnect when our paths crossed. I'll like to try to be more active in reconnecting, to be better at communicating, to own my vulnerabilities, and to not let

    Some friendships are different, however. I do have some friends that I only catch up with once every few years, but even though we hardly stay in touch, it's still magic whenever we reconnect. It felt as if time had frozen when we parted and we spiritually, emotionally and spiritually just got right back from where we have left off.

    So here's to overcoming my anxiety to stay connected, to be more open about my vulnerability and to live alittle.

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