My First Memory in Life

A bizarre thought came to my mind whilst running as I was tracing back to my past, and one thing led to another before I recount my first ever memory in my head. I was pretty sure it was 1994 because it is the year my brother is born. He doesn't exist yet but will be in the meantime. I could remember it because I could remember going to the hospital to visit my mum that day.

What transpired on this very day lead me to believe in something more than life. Even though I'm only 3 years old then, there are certain sections of my life that I strangely have a vivid memory of. Now that I'm older, I'm able to finally make sense and also write about it.

It was all dark before that; like pitch black. Everything is dark, and it felt like a long loading screen before I "boot" up. I used the word "boot up" even though when I'm trying to make sense of things while I'm young. When the TV is off; black, and when it's on; the colors came to life and noises blared from the tv. That's how I made my association when I was a child. I woked up and it was very much like a first-person shooter game, except that I'm looking at both of my hands. I had a constant conversation in my head, all the while as if my brain is giving me an introduction that I already should have known (given the fact that I'm living in this world for 3 years). "This is your house, this 2 person is your dad and your grandma, and you will visit your mother today". I wondered if it is a voice from my head, or is it me running through my memory trying to remind myself and make sense of things, that I'll never know.

This whole conversation bizarrely cut me away from my family. A deep thought since I'm three, but do let me explain. It felt like we are assigned to be together. I have to use the word assigned because I felt like a stranger to everyone in the house. It was a very strong and extreme word, but then again it was my first memory, so it felt like I was just being told who is who, and that's that. And this is the first memory that I ever had and I remember before anything else. It felt like I "should" already know them, except that I don't know them.

I "booted up" (woke up) and looked around my room, to find that my mattress is on the floor, everything looked really huge as I felt my right palm rested on the wall that my mattress was pushed against. It is cold, it felt like the chill of the a/c still runs along the walls. I used the wall as a support to slowly hoisted myself up. I find it incredibly wobbling to walk as I stumbled out of my room. My line of vision could only see the knees of my family, and I have to probe my head up.

"This is your Father (pause) and your grandmother", said my mind as I looked up at my father and I rest-hugged my arms around him for a bit before wobbling to my grandmother where she hugged me. My grandma fed me and assisted me in briefly showering. It was weird to just open my mouth and have food fed to me, and my eyes were darting around the place. I was dressed in a white top with navy pants before they show me in the mirror, tidying up myself. I didn't even get a good look at myself as I was playing with the miniature toy car that was supposed to be my toy. If I'm not wrong it came from a toy set, and the car is blue and white. I still kept the car to this date, either that or my baby photo would be the thumbnail photo of the day.

We drove over to the hospital where my mum is, as I may have potentially fallen asleep in the car because I don't remember the car ride. I bought the toy car with me as we visited my mum. "This is your mother", I looked at my mother as she gleamed into brightness at the sight of me. She pushed herself up on the hospital bed and gave me her hand. She held my hands and I felt hers; cold, as the wall. I instinctively rubbed my palm onto hers as my other hand (the right hand) was playing with the toy car. For some reason, I was unable to comprehend emotions and I was more obsessed with the toy car than my mum. However, I felt quite sad as we have to go. I wondered why she isn't coming with us as I hate how I have to leave her hands. It was quite unexplainable why, but it felt really sad when the nurse has to wheel her back to the hospital after she insists on seeing us out. I wondered about my younger brother for afew seconds before my mind went to the toy car again, and I fell asleep in the car on the way back before going back home.

Home is quiet as my dad would hoist his legs up on the sofa, put on the tv that was definitely out of reach. We have to press the button to turn on the tv back then, or so I noticed. My memory was hazy after because I remembered staying in the mattress and drifting in and out of sleep alot. But speaking of the TV I do have several childhood shenanigans to share.

Later in my life, I also may have memorized the button to activate Teletext, that my dad has been using to keep himself updating on his gambling antics. I wrote the numbers down on the wall with his pen in the corner near the sofa so that no one could see that I had vandalized the wall, I was 7 years old. I was badly reprimanded and caned when I was caught drawing on my own wall so I drew the ones in the corridors. But I got scolded again when I was caught drawing outside. There are people who came looking at my masterpiece and I was so afraid they would catch me and put me to jail, like in crime watch that I'd seen on TV. I never knew they were reenacted by actors and I thought the police were buying time to make the show. I was cautious and only drew when there was no one. Afew weeks later, there is fresh paint over my drawings. I stopped drawing on walls ever since and kept my drawings on drawing box and exercise books. The lines in the exercise books are really annoying; I tried erasing them away but it can never be erased.
I also always thought that the people literally freeze as if playing ice man when the credits rolled. I was so amazed and always stuck my face to the TV while trying my best to catch them moving, blinking, or breathing. It was only until when I grew up that I realize that the screen was frozen. Out went my innocence as I grew up!

Thinking back after recounting countless times, I do wonder about reincarnation, as Hong Kong supernatural movies always seem to depict the existence of it (Cantonese mum and I love Cantonese!). Because it felt like this isn't my first life. I'm pretty spiritually sensitive, or rather there is a period during high school that I may very briefly have the third eye. I had a vision later in my life during 2014 where I experienced a vision whilst meditating in St. John Island. That'll be another story, but I would never know if it is a fragment of my life and just a vision. I'm still unsure of what to make of these supernatural instances, well it never hurts to write down.

Until today, I always would joke that we would wake up in a space pod after we died.