How My Music Taste Made Me Feel Lonely

Perhaps this is not a piece that I thought I'll work on, especially on a Wednesday.

Well, it'll be another story on another time on the origin story of my music taste, but I generally don't listen to more mainstream music. Because of that I once hate myself for having such music taste, as I felt it was bestowed to me like a curse, that I don't like what people like, or rather I can't love what people love. I have the whole song to myself, and for once it creates another instance of loneliness for me.

It's actually quite sad sometimes to think about it when you find nobody would really listen to what you listen to.

"Do they take me seriously?"
"Do they feel that I'm weird?"
"What do they think about my music?"

The desperate need for validation and love from my adolescent age build me up into a fragile person yearning to be like and fit. Even though over time I have grown to be stronger, my music taste would always be that vulnerable spot that got me doubting about myself.

When you could see people sharing earpieces, listening to their music, people nodding their heads to the likes of Mando pops or anime openings. I looked at my feet as the shoegaze music blared on while imagining the guitarist waltzing his fingers across the frets. I felt alone, and that made me lonely. To have no one to share my music with, to have no one to listen to. I guess sometimes it is in us to share stuff that we love, but only to have no one to share it with, became another definition of loneliness for me.

In fact, I tried finding people to connect with, from discord servers to sharing songs with people. I think it's just hard as well, when I may be very introverted. I'm an INFJ if you have to know, so... I found a shoegaze music discord server, but I seem to be the only Asian there, and I felt so distant from everyone else. It was until my backpacking days in Taiwan, where I met a fellow backpacker who became someone that I felt somewhat "emotionally intimate" with. It was perhaps all our favourite songs aligned like the stars that night that created this bizarre friendship. We're hardly in touch, but then again, knowing her made me felt less alone in this world. It'll probably be one of the stories that I'll work on.

Going to indie concerts made me felt good because it felt like I'm not alone, but I think that only evidently suggest and proves that I could feel alone amidst the crowd. It was great vibes, the music is great, but I guess I wish that I could have someone that I can share with. I didn't get to make friends in indie concerts. Perhaps it felt very much like an introvert thing, the energy levels are different from mainstream concerts, people are swaying by themselves, or hurdled in their own hippy circle. The melancholic music only made you not feel like talking, withdrawing into your shell.

It's all back to one of my favourite quotes from Into the Wild; "Happiness is only real when shared"

So to anyone out there, who's got similar music taste, or of any sort like that, I wish to share that you're not alone. And I'm still keeping my fingers crossed out there, feeling hopeful that I'll find more kindred spirits to connect with in terms of my music taste.

Perhaps at the very end, it could be a curse because pun intended, I lowkey would judge a person's Spotify playlist.


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