9PM thoughts at Hualien

Finally the melody of the garbage truck! I waited impatiently by the side of the road, before throwing the trash into the truck.

I gesture and thank the guy before going back into my hostel.

It was drizzling actually and I was wondering if I should cycle or walk. I decided to cycle anyway. After heading to the bookstore and the night market, I’m on the road again. This time feeling empty, and probably a little lonely as well.

So far Hualien has been quiet, and it is probably the only time where I get to meet my inner self. The one deep within myself. The one who craves validation sometimes from people he loves, the ones who wants to be with people just so they can scare his ghosts away. The one who sometimes wishes the stars of the night skies could take his pain away.

I cycled back since the rain was getting bigger. And after surprisingly getting my reluctant ass to shower right after I’m back, I sat here with myself. 

Now.

On the bed of my hostel, facing my laptop, trying to write. I wrote the usual pieces for my site, and I was surfing the net when I came across to this short film…

URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikGVWEvUzNM

I pulled out another note since the thumbnail and name hit me already. I watched on while I hold my emotions together. It’s been a while since I had written anything emotional. Albeit my artistic pieces/creative writing. I wrote about so many stuff. And then it’s funny how I also now branched out to writing about places. I love to share, I sure do.

I remembered what I told Steve earlier this afternoon when he recounted his tale of misfortune and how he’s trying to get back on his feet.

“Keep doing good and never stop making the world a better place”, I said.

I thought about the things that had happened to me. How one of my closest buddies tore me apart with his words, for he couldn’t accept my bizarre personalities. He couldn’t understand why I could behave so differently in different groups. He called me all sorts of hurtful names, and I stayed letting him hurl verbal abuse till this day.

However somewhere along this trip…

I figured I’m done.

I thought about the person who promised me countless things. Who painted me stories of our future, platonically. For how she would be here, how she finds me different and how I found her the same. How she wants to be here for me, like me to her.

And she left.

It left me curled up on bed, where my stomach lurched at the thought of her leaving. My depression relapsed and I could barely function. Finally, I let her go.

I thought about the person whom I thought who would stay. But…she did. But maybe for this one, it’s a little too late. Sometimes when the hurt is done, we have to agree that some things aren’t the same anymore. 

These self-victimizing stories could go on all night, but then again I’m not here to start a pity party. I’m here to share all these because we shouldn’t let anyone define us.

Their words or their actions might hurt us sometimes, but we shall not let them define who we are, to the very capacity of our being. Know that you’re much more than someone’s mental perception of you, and you can be more, always.

People can be judgemental in all ways.

We wear a mask all the time. And it’s funny how we put them back on after realizing we are judged after we took them off. 

Of course, there are kinder souls than others, and there are some who are a little darker, some a little weirder and some who are just plain… evil.

That’s just another debate, for another day.

But for now, let all these unjust be done, and be free from all these knots that keeps you from being who you want to be. You don't deserve to be hurt, you don't deserve to be caged. 

You deserve to be you. 
And you deserve to be free.