I was introduced to Bojack Horseman last year, in 2019, when a penpal of mine knows I have a thing for dark humor and I'm pretty morbid myself. I was introduced to it but I didn't think much of it back then. In fact I left the show on and went on to write/get some work done, but it didn't hit me.
Fast forward to 2020, I reconnected with an elementary school friend who shared Bojack Horseman with me (Again! Universe). Like me, he too struggles from anxiety and depression, and likewise, we both enjoy some short of social escapism where we are alone. Albeit all, the loneliness is crippling. All this time, I have never spoken or discuss anything regarding my depressed side with my friends. I may have even "jokingly" poke fun of it by "pointing to my head and said I am wonky inside". This is as far as I go as I didn't really address this issue with my friends.
However, being my friends, they know I'd lost the spark somewhere in my life. They could tell that I'm different. One day, one of my closest ones said, "I am going to have a very uncomfortable conversation with you". After a long time of shame, and him calling me out for not putting enough effort in life makes me feel worse about myself, but also makes me feel better that somebody heard my screams and cared. But it is something incredibly tough for me to tackle with such mental headspace. I tried to sort out reasons and excuses, and find that the line that was once defined has faded. What he had dished me was closely related to a quote that I found after online. Which was probably one of the most defining quotes in the franchise.
"You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It's you. Alright? It's you."
I got this, painfully delivered to me, by one of my closest friends. And deep down I know I am never working hard enough. I take shortcuts, I find ways to exploit, and I never work hard enough for things. I am... in a way toxic.
This whole episode made me go on a Bojack Horseman binge after that, not that it would give me any sort of answers, but instead, I figured watching it would allow me to look at it from hopefully a 3rd person perspective. And I wish that I could learn something out of it.
I wasn't aware that me leaving myself in this state is hurting people too, mostly my love ones and my family, who see me stagnant after all this time. I went traveling, I write, I do arts, part of me is happy now, but am I really? When the relapse comes, or when the self-hatred comes creeping in at night, everything seems different. I was in a state of absolute mess with zero motivation to get out. At least I am not suicidal anymore.
Let's just say the whole binging session is a crazy emotional roller coaster for me. Some parts of it felt like the lines are delivered to me from the Universe. Some characters might be alittle too relatable. Some stories and emotions are eerily similar, and me giving people responsibilities to fix me and my hero complex have always get in my way of self-development. I am also the bizarre kind who builds psychological wall thinking that I'm safe inside after being hurt. I have intense trust issues which resulted in me doing things that hurt me and the one I love the most. I was blessed with 2 amazing girlfriends in my life and I let them slipped away because of my lack of self-love. And my friends who believed in me when nobody did, the end of Bojack was the ultimate end for me if I don't change, people would keep leaving me, and I would be just... me.
After 6 sessions, I didn't get any more answers than the show blatantly have to offer. We live on, we move on, we try to be better. We get to be better. That's the whole takeaway for me; everyday is an opportunity and a choice. And yes, we eventually die.
There is this tinge of wisdom, amongst many that stuck to me... strongly.
"Everyday, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it everyday. That's the hard part" -Jogging Baboon (Bojack Horseman)
This is one of the quotes that hits me, after Todd's. And I held onto this, tightly and firmly as I don't wish to lose people anymore. I am still not the best of myself, and sometimes I still can be toxic. I don't hurt people intentionally, but I am not working hard for myself, so I am still hurting myself and my love ones around me.
This was perhaps one of the most lifechanging animations that I have watched and gone through with my life thus far. While one hits me, this gives me hope. This one tells me that there is a way to work around everything, and if I choose to be better every day, perhaps one day, I would eventually get to the better state of myself. It was 5am, while insomnia is cradling me, not willing to let me go and I searched for ways to be better.
"How to be a better person"
"How to improve on yourself"
"How to be more motivated"
"How to not self sabotage"
"What is self sabotage"
The list goes on... and I'll eventually have to fix myself, part by part... to be better, right? I'll check in again afew months down the road, possibly June to see if I'm better. But until then, I'll keep living.