I finally woke up at 6.30am

Amidst the relapse of depression. I didn't reach out to anyone who asks, yet. My most guilty moment came from my mum, who ask me if I'm happy.

"well, life's life", that's all I could muster while trying not to look at her in the eye.

I was determined to at least get back to my feet and have myself grounded in a way. I'm moving, with the flow I guess, with each day, not getting to somewhere, though I'm moving towards somewhere, you see. That Bojack quote that kept me strong, gave me a literal reason to live and stay strong. Throughout the struggle, I'd been running; like really running, with 2 feet.

The rule is so much more well defined in running, and simple:
Move with your feet,
Light strides,
Breathe,
and lastly, don't stop.
There and then, I start receiving free endorphins, I started pushing myself alittle more. And perhaps I'm closer to clocking that marathon than I think this time round. From the usual 5km run, I am pushing myself to do 10km. For a long-distance run, it'll be all about the pace, since completion of said distance is the priority. Then comes timing, where you would watch your average minutes per kilometer.

"Let's do an early run sometime soon", I texted my elementary school friend.
"sure, next week?"
"sounds great"
"7.30 am"
"sure thing! see you!"
This very short text entails my commitment despite my insomnia. I have been sleeping at 5 am, maybe 7 sometimes, flipping like I'm a fish out of water on the bed. It was my standard description, though maybe don't really get the fish out of water part, but I do really flip a lot, even though my favorite way is to fall asleep on my back. Having something to look forward to gives me reasons to sleep earlier, like legitimate reasons tied to another entity. A plan makes me want to commit, and it's not as scary as I thought.

So here I am, up here, writing this while the lo-fi music blared. I have been so distracted the past few days, and I would continue to be, while I struggle to hold on to anything that keeps me afloat. The point being, I'll continue to be distracted, or rather just for a bit. But always know that you'll eventually, be somewhere. This might some conveniently useful to use in some way. But sometimes, having hope is hope itself. Knowing a distraction is a distraction, isn't easy as well. Know that the longer you stay, the louder your inner voice gets. But by then, you won't be able to drown it out anymore. By then, nothing like insecurities and monsters would get into your way. Live, hold onto things, let your inner voice grow, and eventually, it'll be time for you to show; your true self, to the world.

And I bet they'll love it.

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