I feel like I'm going to disappear

    "I feel like I'm going to disappear... Like I'm going to float away..."

    I'm trying to get in tune with how I feel at the moment as I'm trying to write and make sense of things. After a series of writing and backspacing, I think I'm finally getting somewhere.
    It is funny how I can feel incredibly lonely when I have more than a dozen unopened messages. It is like I wanted to find somebody to talk to but I don't know who. This mixture of helplessness perhaps stems from the fear of getting judge.

    Metaphorically, it felt like we're all meant to float away if we don't give our strings away. Let me explain (or die trying to). We're all a ginormous balloon, inside us is just the summation of all of us, our dreams, our hopes, everything. And life is... finite, one day we'll be gone, one way or another; we would deflate over time, accidents happen and we might pop, or maybe even float away if all the strings broke. Nope, I'm not suicidal (this time), but it felt like we always have to give people our strings, like the more people you have holding your strings, the more "anchored" you are supposed to feel. Like your support system. Do I still make sense here?

    I think I have been very hesitant in giving out my strings, but at the same time, I'm really afraid of floating away. I don't want to disappear just yet, I want to feel happy and I want to feel alive. Perhaps over this course of time, being a recluse I have been retracting most of my social contact with everyone else. Trust me, those who know me knows how bizarrely unsociable I can get; I'm two very extreme ends.

    I also may have realized that we have to give the strings to the right person. Because the wrong ones won't hold onto your strings tightly as you thought he/she is going to. Giving your strings to the wrong crowd would also result in them bringing (or pulling) you in the wrong direction or the wrong place.

    I ended up downloading several mental health apps to try because the act of trying is to at least act. Perhaps I'll try to keep up and eventually review them if I ever get there.

    But sometimes we might give our strings to a "wildcard", it is a bizarre situation when we're talking about a wildcard. And I have met several wildcards that might not have come to a good end. But the thing about wildcards is... you'll give them your string no matter what. It's like a rule, or it is something that has to happen. As if the Universe dealt this card which would eventually lead you to a spiritual realization or some sort. Call it a "special event" that would sprung up in the game to get you out of your comfort zone, or to start moving your character development arc.

    And then, I forgot myself. Why didn't I give myself one of the strings? Do I hate myself that bad? Did I not want to at least try to support myself? Did I not want to push myself to be better instead of just fulfilling the basic columns and just breathe?

    I gave myself more questions than how I started to reflect on. I did forget myself, I didn't give myself because I don't find me to be a reliable person to hold onto my string. I also don't just give anyone my strings because I don't want them to get cut by my broken parts. I hate how my negativity might be draining, my darkness might be all-consuming. I don't want to let that all be the expense of somebody's mood. But as ironic as I sound, I know how hard it is, which was why I'm willing to give support to those in need. I don't think I'm strong enough sometimes, and my dreams scared the fuck out of me. I have to eventually put myself out there, proudly pursuing the arts and letting the creativity flow out of me, inspiring others to chase their dreams relentlessly no matter what it might be. And it scares me knowing that I might not be up for it. And this fear sends me on a paradox of me being afraid to go out there.

    Perhaps the whole moral of the thought is to allow yourself to love yourself as much as you could deserve, and keep handing out strings to the right person. And if the odds are in your favor, at least a handful of them would be the right one, which you'll probably see over time.

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