FOMO and Problems Saying No

I can't say no.
Growing up with loneliness makes me a very easy victim of the FOMO syndrome. I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on things, or if I missing out this certain thing would set my life back or worse. But then it is usually the opposite.

I'll be up throughout the hours and clock timing with my night and day friends. I'll juggle games and movie nights, I'll hang out for dinner and go to supper. I forced myself to be a social butterfly, I want to be everywhere, I don't want to be left alone, I'm afraid to be forgotten. But do I really? Or am I just afraid of the loneliness that always creeps upon me in the back of my head.

Growing up alone since young, I didn't have any friends or rather I only have 1 friend since primary school. And I'll be really lonely and bummed if he ever takes MC or isn't at school. I'll be left friendless, I'll be lost. And for some reasons I don't know how to deal with this. I'd reckon that not saying no partially became my coping mechanism as well for loneliness.

The fear of loneliness and being left out is divided by a very thin line. And sometimes I couldn't tell what is what. The worst? I couldn't care less if the person really wants me or if they only want to use me. As long as I'm needed, I felt this sense of usefulness that fuels my nonexistent self-esteem.

I don't want to miss out on a thing, because I thought missing out would make me feel excluded, and I don't want to be... excluded. And this mindset was toxic for me. Missing out things doesn't exactly means that you're missing out on life. You're still doing something else, somewhere out there in the present. Traveling, overlooking the plane window shows me how small we all are actually is. Just a tiny speck from the skies. Millions and billions of things are constantly happening, from our neurons firing thoughts to people living their own lives, fighting their own battles. There are so many stories out there, but the ones we know are only the ones that we'd crossed paths with. It is just that the eyes of relativity can be so distorted that we don't notice that how small we really is; and sometimes we can just be concern with the wrong thing.

It was after this realization that finally made me able to let go. To be able to know you'll constantly miss out on things around you, especially the ones that you never know. To accept that we are always meant to thread on this one path and we are not actually missing out, but we are being present on our own intended ones. So, know that you're not missing out on anything, but you're just being here for yourself.