A Little Distance

After much thinking, I figured this is something that I want to and have to write about. I'd got too much emotions and feelings over the past few days and it has been alittle overwhelming for my mental health.

I'm losing heat but not for the wrong reasons. That also explains why I'm here, why I decided to write about my Real Estate journey instead because I feel that I need an outlet. A real outlet, a space where I could feel safe. And this is nevertheless gonna be the space.

If you'd met me, I'm probably one of the unconventional person around, I'd use person because, unlike most people, I didn't spend my life in the office. I spent the bulk of my time exploring different "hobbies", sprouting and killing business ideas as I go, and travelling. Alongside with travelling, I also dabble in arts like painting, craft and writing. I'm not exactly an entrepreneur nor am I an artist. Perhaps a mixture of both as recently I'm embarking on a side journey to take up abit of jewellery design.

So where do I belong? I asked myself time and again whenever conversations sprout out. About getting a new car, alongside with other physical indulgences. How about me? Nope. I felt like I want to retreat into my shell when I came across conversations like that; I want to talk about other things, I want to hear your dreams, your favourite passage from a book that you read recently, your thoughts when (or if) you people watch, what makes you happy. The list goes on but you get the drift.

I digress again, it's probably a hard piece of writing to write but I have to get it down and done. I was enlisted under what my company called the MAP program before my traffic accident, and I was actually doing more than fine. I was on fire, I was blazing every day, heading off to the offer at 8 am, and not ending my working until it's at least 10 pm. It was a tough and hard grind. I went for training after training, I try to compact all the information into my head, but thank god with the help of technology, we learn, but we also learn to arrange information to be within grasp so we could be the best version of ourselves. I asked myself if I'd did my best at the end of every day, and I'd say "Yes".

Then the accident happened.

When it happened, I actually settled my work first, even before I informed my family. I informed my colleagues, superiors, bosses. The following day I even sent an apology to my boss telling him that I'd gotten in a really bad accident; and that I might not be able to be in action for a while. I don't ask for a lot, but I could possibly be narcissistic. I dropped him a call, and then a voice message explaining my predicament. But all I have gotten was silence and then a blue tick. It felt like I was dropped. Just because I was of no use anymore, I became a probably PR disaster, or I'm not sure. I was knocked over while I was wearing my Huttons tee even.

I used to take such pride in my company and in my team. But after this incident, I just decided not to. The phase would always come to my head, about how if we're dead, our colleagues, clients, superiors would go about searching for a replacement. It's sad but that's just how much someone would amount to someone if we are to quantify their functions right now to the basic level. Not just me, but even the president, celebrity or anyone important. We felt a tinge of sadness, and loss, then we moved on.

Perhaps what I felt was more than underappreciation, I just felt like I was probably just a speck who happen to gotten rundown and survived. I do question my survival at some point, but that dark story would be for another day. So after all these, I decided to do things my way after; to find my own path, somehow somewhat. I won't be picking for clients, but there's always this saying about knowing which are clients to hold on to. The ones whom I really connect with the people who care; likewise not just clients, but this is also applicable to life.

That people said, how we value our time and in turn, use it for the appropriate people would be yet another similar level. I want to tell stories, I want to be free. I want to meet the right people and connect with the right people. To add a point of realism, you know what they say about you selling your "soul" to the one who signs your paycheque. Well, why not let it be you?

I think the incident let me distance myself from my company & my team. But my team have done nothing wrong of course, they are a bunch of happy and amazing souls who'd been nothing but helpful over this course of time. But the feeling of insignificance could just eat into me, morphing into a bit of self-hatred that makes me hate myself for landing myself in such a situation, to begin with.

Now, this is real. And the answers too.
I wonder which segment of the blog this would fit in as it felt very personal, but it's concerning work. This is a saddening turn as I was once very passionate and motivated for realty work. I am too, just that I had learn to love myself more over the course of time. Not to that where I go into physical indulgences, but to take care of my mental health.

And perhaps with this little distance, I can learn to balance myself on the tight rope while being an Artist, an Entrepreneur, and a Realtor.